No More Ms. Havisham

With less than three days left, it seems this project has nearly come full circle. On April 6th, my first day as a newlywed, I wrote:

I haven't really gotten into how this project came about, but one very big part of it is my relationship with a young man named Adam. Adam and I have known each other for seven years, and although it's been on-and-off, we spent a lot of the last seven years in a romantic relationship. The last year and a half has been particularly tumultuous, because he's back in New York and I spend the academic year in New Mexico. But through all the trials and tribulations, I truly thought we were going to end up together. We casually talked about getting married. The way that fate had kept us in each other's lives, it seemed like ultimately we were meant to be together. I hate the idea of destiny, but that's really what it felt like.

However, for one reason or another, he has recently decided to cut me out of his life. As of three months ago, he's stopped taking or returning my calls. He won't even reply to my e-mails. I know he's alive, although I wasn't sure for a while. I haven't gotten an explanation, and I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that my heart is broken, and that seven years of history warrants an explanation at the very least. At some moments this dress reminds me that I'm free and I'm really okay without him, but the truth is right now it just reminds me that he's not here and there's nothing I can do about it.

Well. As of this evening, that's not really an issue anymore:

Irina-

I'm sorry that I didn't do this much, much sooner.

I know that I've always been sort of your indentured servant. There for you at beck and call whenever you snapped your fingers.

I have to tell you that J---- means more to me right now then you ever did. That is why I dropped off the face of the Earth. I am completely unable to keep you in my life, while at the same time trying to progress in my life with her.

I never made you fully aware of the scope and range of my relationship with J----. We had/have been living together since August 07. I loved her then and I love her now more than I thought capable.

I write this email not to hurt you, but to let you know where I stand.

If anything we ever had meant anything to you, please do not contact me. I need this to be over so badly, that I had to drop contact. I respect you enough to let you know my side, and I sincerely hope that you respect me enough to let this end here and now.

Adam

OUCH.

I feel shattered. After seven years of history, I'm hurt, angry, shocked, confused... But as this project comes to a close, a part of me sees that the forces of the universe are still working in my favor.

As some of you may recall, the reason I chose April 5th through May 5th is that these are the first and last days of Nisan, the Jewish month of rebirth and freedom from bondage. No matter how broken and lonely and foolish I feel, Adam's timing couldn't really have been more perfect, as it will allow me to fully realize my own rebirth and be truly free as I had originally hoped. I imagine that many of the next 65 hours will be spent in mourning, but with this final piece in place, I know that when I remove this dress for the last time, I really will be emerging as a free woman.

So thank you Adam for finally setting me free. And thank you Universe for showing me that I'm ready.