A Toast

Photo by Matthew Morrow

In the February 2004 issue of The Journal for Sex Research, there was an article by Anne Campbell called "Female Competition: Causes, Constraints, Content, and Contexts," in which she discusses a possible evolutionary explanation for female competition. Within the article, she discusses the physical, social, and sexual standards that are so clearly imposed on American women from a very young age. You all know what I'm talking about. Are my boobs big enough? Why didn't I get invited to that party? If I sleep with a man and people find out, why is it that he gets called a stud while I get called a slut?

Usually when we think about gender ideals, we look for the nearest misogynist to write nasty letters to, or we just shake our dainty fists at "the patriarchy." But according to Campbell these impossible standards of femininity are actually enforced by other women more than they are by men:

Research certainly suggests that the current fashion for slimness is not imposed on women by men because men prefer plumper figures than do women (Anderson, Crawford, Nadeau, & Lindberg, 1992; Cohn et al., 1987; Fallon & Rozin, 1985; Furnham & Radley, 1989). Women also care more about other women's opinions of attractiveness than those of men (Graziano, Jensen-Campbell, Shebilske, & Lundgren, 1993), suggesting that within-sex competition can take on a dynamic of its own. Similarly, with regard to sexual conduct and reputation, a recent review concluded that women are stronger enforcers of the double standard than are men (Baumeister & Twenge, 2002), casting doubt on the proposal of internalisation of male values.

In other words, when it comes to standards about physical appearance, popularity, and sexual reputation - the gender expectations that tend to affect even the most minute decisions of a woman's life, from what I've seen - we are our own worst enemies.

With this in mind, it's easy to see why the most satisfying part of this project for me has been the feedback I've gotten so far. So many of my peers have wished me luck and congratulations. I hear the word "inspiring" a lot. Many have said they want to have their own weddings now. The women around me are showing me just how kind, generous, and smart they can be. This project is challenging for me, but also for the people around me, and to see that my peers are rising to the challenge and really thinking about how this project applies to their own everyday lives is more gratifying than anything I possibly could have put on a bridal registry.

Claire, a friend from high school back in New York, posted a message on facebook two days ago saying, "...It is wonderful what u r doing, and i think a lot of women should do the same or something like it, where they tell themselves how wonderful they are. i am a strong believer that every person should tell themselves at least once a day of how life is great. when ur in nyc we should go have lunch one time i would love to be able to catch up and pick ur brain on how to be a strong woman."

And SQD, a complete stranger in Maryland, wrote, "...i think this project is brilliant! i have bookmarked it and will be following along and learning with you. (and showing this to every woman i know)
i have alot of respect for your courage and tenacity...."

Also, in response to my blog entry about being able to dance freely with another woman, my friend Christina (who is from Louisiana and currently dating a woman) wrote, "we can change things by dancing with other women in Texas, and Louisiana and everywhere we want to dance with them. If we don't, we'll just keep telling ourselves how scary it is and how much it'll never be okay. We're the only ones who can make it okay...."

GO GIRLS! Imagine what it would be like if every young woman - black or white, gay or straight, rich or poor, fat or thin, Christian or Pagan - had the chance to stand before her community and sincerely declare "I LOVE MYSELF!" Really, imagine it. I dare you...