Today I got some amazing press from prominent local journalist Zane Fischer in The Santa Fe Reporter. (For those of you who are reading this from New York, the Reporter is Santa Fe's version of the Village Voice. In other words, it's a big deal.) As with most journalism, I have some minor complaints, but overall I would say that his critique is spot-on, and his major questions about it mirror my own feelings of frustration and struggle with the project. Also, Mr. Fischer is known for being brutally honest in his columns, so the simple fact that he didn't tear me to pieces is something to be proud of.
So why have I spent the evening depressed and mostly in tears?...
Because I thought I was going to see a boy tonight and he never called me.
Seriously. How DUMB is that?!
I'm doing well in my classes, I have an amazing job lined up for the summer, my family and friends are priceless, I'M IN THE NEWSPAPER... and still I'm an emotional train wreck because I didn't get one stupid phone call. I barely know this guy, and our interactions have been nothing but casual. Plus you'd think after 22 years of social interaction, I'd be able to handle the situation a little more gracefully. It's not like I haven't been through this (and much worse) before, and yet somehow it's still enough to mess up my whole day. WHY?
My reaction is so automatic and even visceral that I have to wonder if maybe I'm really just wired this way. In the class I'm taking on evolution and biodiversity, we often talk about evolutionary fitness simply as an individual's ability to pass on its genetic material. And in a scientific context, I totally buy that... as it applies to other animals. But now the tables are turned and I'm the individual in question: is all this superfluous emotion simply an instinctual reaction to this absent boy as an indicator of my current lack of evolutionary fitness?
In the introduction to The Second Sex, Simone de Beauvoir very critically points out the common patriarchal understanding that "woman has ovaries, a uterus: these peculiarities imprison her in her subjectivity... It is often said that she thinks with her glands." Reading that, I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it... and yet, here I am, seemingly a slave to my own reproduction-related emotions.
I'm sure a million and one dead feminists are rolling over in their graves as I ask this question, but am I genetically doomed to bemoan every non-existent phone call from now until my ovaries shrivel up and hot flashes take over everything? Is it possible that I'm just chemically programmed to suffer from extreme self-loathing until I find a mate?
Wednesday, April 30
De-Pressed
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5 comments:
Maybe it's true and we are slaves to our physical makeups. But hey, would you rather be a man? I gotta tell you, a penis is a dangerous thing. It clouds judgment and often leads to impulsive decision making. It is also a handicap when you're either going commando or wearing boxers: one false shift in leg configuration and bam, you got twisted balls. It isn't fun.
Having a penis definitely influences the way I act. I'm not sure if it's more bad than good cause I have no idea how different I would actually be without it.
Remember, boys have cooties. That blow-off is just a way of sparing you from contracting this disease.
And congratulations on the press exposure!
"'It’s who you are, it’s your heart and you’re wearing it,' he says, before confiding that he sometimes dresses in drag himself."
Irina, I have a confession to make... I somtimes like to dress in drag as well. Oh wait, that's not a secret, nevermind :)
Congrats on the article, and I hope you feel better, in fact I hope you feel awsome, cause that's what you are.
I really don't want to sound like a "a parent" (not meaning your parents who you know I love), but I need to tell you how "proud" and impressed I am with this project. As a lifelong student of art I am struck not only by its originality, but the quality and moreover honesty you are displaying.
As to your depression over the phone call - welcome to the human race - we all need (and deserve) love and attention. No ovaries required.
- David
I can't say that I followed this blog every step of the way, and who knows if you'll ever even go back to read this comment, but I just read this entry (and the few following it) and I wanted you to know how amazed I was that you explored all of this so candidly. I know we're not necessarily friends, but I feel like I can say I understand something of Irina Zerkin that I didn't before.
It's not for attention, or for publicity, or even for the sake of spectacle--it's honest. I admire that.
Evolution & Biodiversity had me thinking so many of the same thoughts you expressed here. Being a slave to the evolutionary idea of fitness is not what humanity is about--which is why we get liposuction and destroy the ozone layer. But why is it that the prospect of living life without a partner is so upsetting? It can't all be ovaries. It's beyond biology. But you know that now, I'm sure.
If I could count the times I cried because a boy didn't call me...
Congratulations, Irina! For being fearless and persevering.
Boys fall in love too. The gender of the characters in your situation are, in my mind, interchangeable. I could just as easily see one of my friends that's a girl write that e-mail and if you were a boy I think you could have created that website.. without mention of shriveling ovaries and such. The Point is that the widely socially accepted view that boys and girls have, forgive my exaggeration, opposite brains when it comes to emotions influences each gender to act as such; boys would repress theirs and girls would feel an obligation to have "girl talk". Ultimately confusion inevitably ensues. As I see you are leaning toward "girl talk" and a little confused, don't get me wrong this project is breakthrough as I'm sure you realise. Advice- you are experiencing a beautiful human emotion, embrace it as I leave you with The Flaming Lips.
"Do You Realize, that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize, we're floating in space
Do You Realize, that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize, that everyone you know someday will die
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Do You Realize, Oh Oh Oh
Do You Realize, that everyone, you know,
Someday, will die
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Do You Realize, that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize"
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