Good Grief

I wish I could fit this damn dress under my desk so that I could sit and use my computer like a normal human being.

I know I said I was going to update about the specifics of the wedding, but I just can't really go there right now. This morning (afternoon) I woke up feeling like shit, and I thought it was just a mild champagne hangover, but it isn't a headache and it hasn't gone away, and at this point I think it's actually somewhere closer to post-partum depression than anything else.

I'm miserable. It's been a really good day, but somehow I'm miserable anyway.

***

A really beautiful and intelligent acquaintance gave me a card at the wedding, which she told me to save and open later on. I hope she doesn't mind that I'm writing about this. It read:

Dear Irina,
Happy Wedding! I wanted to ask you this in person, but the right time hasn't seemed to come up.
I know you're all married and everything now, but I was wondering if I could take you on a date sometime?

Really unexpected, and equally amazing. I figured that this dress was basically going to be fairly romantically isolating, but it's nice to think I might be wrong.

I called her up after I read the card, and we got together for a couple hours this afternoon to sit in the sun and talk. It was wonderful to get to know her better. The dress, however, was really quite awkward. We sat on the grass and the skirt billowed up and out around me, so even though I was essentially sitting right next to this woman, we were separated by a three-foot barrier of tulle and sequins.

***

I haven't really gotten into how this project came about, but one very big part of it is my relationship with a young man named Adam. Adam and I have known each other for seven years, and although it's been on-and-off, we spent a lot of the last seven years in a romantic relationship. The last year and a half has been particularly tumultuous, because he's back in New York and I spend the academic year in New Mexico. But through all the trials and tribulations, I truly thought we were going to end up together. We casually talked about getting married. The way that fate had kept us in each other's lives, it seemed like ultimately we were meant to be together. I hate the idea of destiny, but that's really what it felt like.

However, for one reason or another, he has recently decided to cut me out of his life. As of three months ago, he's stopped taking or returning my calls. He won't even reply to my e-mails. I know he's alive, although I wasn't sure for a while. I haven't gotten an explanation, and I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that my heart is broken, and that seven years of history warrants an explanation at the very least. At some moments this dress reminds me that I'm free and I'm really okay without him, but the truth is right now it just reminds me that he's not here and there's nothing I can do about it.

***

How do I reconcile my attraction towards this woman and these feeling of heartbreak over Adam? And why are these emotions so overwhelmingly important in my daily existence? What's so bad about being on my own for a while?

***

Okay, did I mention yet that I'm miserable?