The Beginning of the End

With exactly one week to go, I admit that I'm getting a little freaked out. I still don't fully know how this is going to end. I think I want to have some sort of closing ceremony, but some days I feel like that means a big party, and some days it means an intimate picnic with a few of my favorite women-types, and some days I really feel that the dress is asking to be burned. Some days I just think I need to go out and buy a new outfit that's indescribably comfortable, and wearing that around in public will be ceremony enough.

Regardless of any final celebration, I'm scared of what will come afterwards. I'm bracing myself for another post-partum depression experience; this project isn't my entire life, but it's certainly a major component. Once in a while I'm overcome with the irrational fear that I'll disappear without the dress. This whole undertaking has generated so much thoughtfulness and enthusiasm, and it has brought many new, wonderful, beautiful people in to my life; I can't help thinking about all the missed opportunities once I take the dress off.

***

I've been meaning to mention this for over a week now, but I met this bad-ass woman named Willow at the Roller Derby (where one of the skaters nearly wiped out because her skate got caught on my tempestuous hemline) and Willow has left two amazing comments in the blog, and I think both of them are worth quoting.

Posted here on 4/21:

"...Every marriage has it's elements of let down, hatred, disgust and depression. What you're feeling is quite normal. It's interesting that the exciting ceremony and party doesn't really affect the relationship at all. You still have to work on whatever you need to work on. You and the person you marry are still who you always were.
Remember, you married yourself, not the dress! Don't forget what it really is about. That might help you in your interactions with the public. Although your public action to wear the dress for 30 days almost makes it seem like you married the public for a short time. Don't worry, you can divorce the public in 2 more weeks!!!!!!!!!
What this is bringing up for me, is the conflict between a basically very private interaction and your choice to make it a public one. Every one thinks it is their business. It is also painfully clear by people's reactions to you that how we interact with eachother every day is filled with automatic interactions and reactions that have nothing to do with what is actually staring us in the face. It seems like many people don't want to be confronted with a different meaning than the one they perceive. Too bad for them, but that is what performance art is all about, particularly the kind that surprises people in their own habitat, versus the kind taking place in a theater where, no matter how controversial, the people observing it still chose to be there...."

And here on 4/22:

"I am 56, almost got married (to a guy) somewhere back in the dark ages around 1970 or so. I had the dress (lacy, tightfitting, high neck, big victorian summer hat, and was to carry my bouquet in a closed parasol), and invitations were sent. His Dad had offered to pay 1/2 at our parents first meeting. His Mom thought my Mom's (and my) taste was too expensive. They fought every night on the phone like cats in heat. My Mom finally asked if we could please go get married at city hall and call off the wedding and I said sure. The child groom (we were both getting married to get away from our Moms and were going to live in NYU married grad student housing) locked himself in his computer lab and didn't come out until he thought I was over him. We never saw eachother again. Too bad, it was my only chance to have lived cheaply in the Village. (I grew up and was living in Queens). I just sold the engagement ring, which I had to drag him to buy, with a few other things to help pay my mortgage.

Segue to early '80s, Boston. I came out in a time and place where the word Lesbian was almost always followed by the word Feminist.

Anyway, I got married for the first time 4 years ago to my female partner of 10 years. I decided to have a fairie queene of the woods theme and I wore purple and the bridesmaids all wore white. We all wore wreaths of leaves and tiny flowers. My beloved wore a tux. A damn handsome chap she was, too!

The point? I'm pissed off at myself for not going for the white dress!!!!!!!!!!!!! I too, having trod on all tradition my entire life, am, still, obsessed with THE DRESS! I still look at bridal mags, wedding gowns on the net and in stores, and try to think up a reason to get one. Irina, I'm sooooooooooooo glad you are getting this one out of your system! Would the white dress have changed anything about the wedding and our relationship, both trials and joys? I don't think so.

It's one of those traditional things you do because "it's done that way" and no matter how hard we try to go against that grain, it sticks. Like plaque on teeth and in arteries. And we can't let go. What a waste of time, hunh?

And we have very little control over much in our lives besides the personal, and we fuck that up by dwelling and obsessing on the getting of or the not getting of society's conventions...."

Willow, you are AMAZING. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and stories. Congratulations to you and your partner! Also, if you're really attached to the white dress, it's never too late! I highly recommend the experience... but not for thirty days.